The Dead Lover

This image is very apt since it's 6 inches deep in snow here.

There seems to be an awful lot of m/m books around where one of the heroes is grieving for his dead lover.  More than any m/f romance books that I've read.  Now don't get me wrong, I like these story lines, mainly because I like books with angst in them and there's nothing more angsty than a man who suffers from bereavement, especially if he feels a measure of guilt about the death of his lover.  It's a tricky storyline to pull off as there's a fine balance between a sympathetic hero who is grieving and one where you just want to roll your eyes and tell them to get on with life.  For a book with this theme to work there are a few things that work and some that don't.

Good grief!  I feel a list coming on.  I haven't done one of these in an age!

1.  The time period after the death of the lover has to be just the right length of time.
If it's too soon after the death then the hero looks to be false in his grief; too long and the hero seems self-absorbed.  I've found that over a year is usually long enough and up to no more than 5-8 years.  Of course there's always the exceptions.  Making Lemonade by TC Blue had the hero, Evan, kissing the other hero only weeks after the death of his lover, but then the book moved into a slow courtship which took place over several months before Evan could move on.  Out of the Blue by Josh Lanyon had the hero, Bat, finding someone new after only a few days, but that was set in wartime where any chance at companionship and love is grasped before death can take it away.  Books where the hero is still grieving deeply after 10 years or more often end up feeling slightly false, especially as they then often move out of their grief very suddenly when they meet the other hero.  After 10 years there should have been at least some moving on, some acceptance that life goes on.  Perhaps you would disagree with me on this one.  I'd like to know what your feelings are.

2.  Dwelling on the past sex life of the hero and the dead lover should be kept to a minimum.
I've read a few stories where there is either a flashback or a dream sequence where the hero and dead lover are having sex.  Sometimes this works well.  For example in Out of the Blue by Glyn Sotino (same title, different book) the story begins with the hero, Aidan, dreaming about having sex with his lover, as he awakens, the pain of the grief is felt anew as he realises that his lover is dead.  It was a poignant moment and worked because the other hero of the book hadn't been introduced at that point.  Once the heroes have met and started seeing each other, the focus on the book should be on moving away from the past and forward into a new life.  I feel uncomfortable if the dead lover intrudes too much into the new relationship.  I'm not saying they should disappear completely just that having a sex scene between a couple who aren't the two heroes of the book seems wrong somehow, a bit like infidelity.  I know that sometimes dream sequences involving sex between the hero and his dead lover are there to somehow show that the dead lover is saying goodbye, but I find it a bit creepy.  You may disagree.

3.  There has to be a conscious 'moving on' from the past into the new life with the other hero.
This is often done by the hero visiting the grave of the dead lover and saying a final goodbye - a cliché, but still an effective way of telling the reader "This is it, the past is over and I'm moving on".  There have been other, more subtle, ways of achieving this goal.  In Faith and Fidelity by Tere Michaels, it was the moment when Evan let Matt sleep with him in the bed he used to share with his now dead wife.  It was such a small thing but packed a huge emotional punch.  Or it could be as simple as replacing the photo on the bedside table and putting the photo of the dead lover away - not to be forgotten, but also not to be centre stage.  If there isn't a scene in the book where the hero makes a conscious move away from the past, then the new lover seems more like a rebound than the real thing.  The other hero cannot be in competition with the dead lover or the HEA doesn't ring true.  Can I just say that as a personal preference I'd rather not have the dead hero 'appear' to the grieving hero either in a dream or in a vision or hallucination, especially if the book is supposed to be a contemporary with no prior paranormal occurrences.  In real life dead people do not appear and tell you to move on with your life so I find it weird that it happens so much in m/m contemporary fiction.

So there you have it, three areas which I feel are important in books containing a grieving hero and a dead lover.  There may be more that I've forgotten which you could suggest.  Or maybe you disagree with me and can think of plenty of great books with a dead lover in them which have included some of the things I've said shouldn't be done.